While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think a kid would responsible me up
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
