i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
