do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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