So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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