I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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