If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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