There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
