Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
