apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
