I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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