Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
