My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
