I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
