I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
