i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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