I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
