I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
