I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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