I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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