I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
