i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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