Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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