it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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