his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
