he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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