She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
