Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
