I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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