I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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