new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize