found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
