you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize