I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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