she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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