just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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