Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
