I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
