She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
