Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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