My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
