Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize