I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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