I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize