when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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