How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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