I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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