i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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