Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
NoShamevember. You game?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
