Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
