oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
