I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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