I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
