I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
