whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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