I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
