I wish my penis had an off switch
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
