nut hugger
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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