someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
