I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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