how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
