i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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