I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
