She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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