Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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