I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
