I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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