life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize