Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
