Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
