I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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