We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
