Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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