These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
