If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
